I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
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