Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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