Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
dude i'm inner monologue high
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
