I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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