Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Randomize
