Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
