i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize