Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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