Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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