please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
