its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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