nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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