Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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