Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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