My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
