He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
