Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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