I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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