So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
