just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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