We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Randomize
