I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Come on in and take your pants off
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
