I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
