You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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