there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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