tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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