I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
