remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
