He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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