I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
