Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
