my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
