Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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