I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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