i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
