my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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