just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
