I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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