I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
