i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
