what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
