You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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