I seem to have left my pride at pride
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
