You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Having a random hookup so left but love u
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
