I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
