I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
