You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
