I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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