it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
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