i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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