Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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