you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
i need some magic done to my vagina
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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