Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
