Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize