my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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