I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
