turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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