omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Drunk is a universal language darling
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