I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
