Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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