She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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